i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
