At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize