just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
