Nicole vs. Life
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You left your phone here
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