Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
