Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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