i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
