I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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