his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
