Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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