i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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