Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
