i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize