I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
