I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
