Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
