Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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