Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The power of my boobs compel you
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
