Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize