I think i peed on brittanys purse
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
