Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
