So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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