Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
