found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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