dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
