found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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