i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Drunk is not a location!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
