i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
