maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
