i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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