I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
