how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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