someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
