He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
