Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
