Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
