I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
