sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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