omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i think my cat just said my name.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
