Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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