first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
