btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
