I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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