My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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