i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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