Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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