i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
