Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
