It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
