My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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