Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
