Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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