Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
