Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
