Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
