Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
