tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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