Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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