Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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