you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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