So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
