i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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