yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
