Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
