Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the raccoons are back...
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