I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Who put my cat in the fridge?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
